I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
