Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
