so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
