the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
