Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
