we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
