be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
