what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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