Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am available for nakedness
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
