Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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