I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
