Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
