life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
