I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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