he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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