you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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