cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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