The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
