Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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