Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
