I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
