The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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