did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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