respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
