I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
