you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
