she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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