My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
