Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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