It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
