Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
