My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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