Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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