he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
