i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
