WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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