My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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