Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
