I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
