I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
