I heard we made out
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
