i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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