I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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