it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
