Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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