I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
