They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
