That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
