take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
