Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
