Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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