She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
